I grew up in the time of the Civil War but i managed to avoid all the killing and mayhem thanks to being the Assistant District Attorney at the time of the Conscription Act requiring all able-bodied men to serve in the army or else to hire a substitute which is exactly what i did, paying $150 to George Benninsky, a thirty-two-year-old Polish immigrant, to serve in my place. While not going to war and vying for a place in the Senate, i was accused of rape by a pregnant Maria Halpin but unlike her, i wasn't going to take that laying down so accused her of lying, being an alcoholic and a right old slapper and had her institutionalised and our child taken away.
As President i vetoed a bill to reduce the fares on New York City trains and pensions for American Civil War veterans and the disabled but the fathering of an illegitimate child and having the mother put in a loony bin refused to go away.
Luckily a demonstration by workers angry at my policies proved a handy distraction as i had them all arrested for walking on the White House lawn, those don't walk on the grass signs are there for a reason.
I was not much for Women's Rights, stating that 'sensible and responsible women do not want to vote' which didn't do much to shut them up for long but i was anything but a nasty sexist boor.
Once, when my sister was hassling me about being a bachelor, i said that i was waiting for my wife to grow up which she laughed at but i wasn't kidding.
I first met my wife when she was a few days old and i was 28, i even bought her the baby carriage she cruised around in until she could walk and when she was 11 and her father died, i took on the role of father figure but i waited until she was 21 before i proposed to her.
See, a perfect gentleman.
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