As a King i was no great shakes, i was beaten by the Scots at the Battle of Bannockburn, was deposed and held captive in Berkeley Castle in Gloucestershire by my own wife and her lover who then had me murdered by having a red-hot poker thrust up somewhere no red hot poker should ever be thrusted. I never wanted to be King and was happy to let others govern while i'd flounce around with my special friend Piers Gaveston who i spent so much time with that rumours began that we were gay lovers, something which in 14th Century England was heavilly frowned upon.
I refused to banish Gaveston or sign a document limiting my power over appointments so my friend was seized and executed.
I led an army into Scotland, but was decisively defeated at the Battle of Bannockburn and losing to an army of kilt wearing Scotsman back then was like losing, well, a war to a bunch of men in skirts so the Barons sidelined me and ruled the realm.
I didn't care so much as it meant i could spend more time with my new special friend, Hugh Despenser, but as with my earlier favorite person, the barons demanded that i banish Despenser but i refused much to the annoyance of my wife, Isabella.
Unbeknown to me, she had been having it away with one of the Barons, Roger Mortimer, who executed Hugh and his entire family and then locked me away in a castle and crowned our 14 year old son as King Edward III.
Amidst rumours that i was planning to get busted out, Mortimer and my wife killed me but not just any old death, they put much thought into it.
Not wishing to leave visible marks of murder on my body, and contemptuous of my rumoured homosexuality, they hired some men to hold me down and shoving a red hot poker up...well you can guess where they shoved it.
It was said that my screams were heard, not unsurprisingly, far beyond the Castle walls.
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