For eight years i was the first democratically elected President of Russia, leading the way for reforms, rekindling warm relations with the West and generally hitting the hooch harder than Oliver Reed and Winston Churchill's reanimated corpses sewn together.Voted into power, i was mostly seen as a democratic hard man based on that time i stood on a tank to denounce those trying to overthrow the Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev but i turned out to be anything but.
Throughout my Presidency i went to Kazakhstan and played bongos on the shiny, bald head of their President, almost fell off the stage in Sweden while comparing Swedish meatballs to tennis star Bjorn Borg's face, announced that i was in Finland while stood outside The Kremlin in Red Square, was too drunk to get off the plane at Dublin airport and misspoke after one boozy session by calling a press conference and explaining that Russia was getting rid of all of our nuclear weapons.
While in Germany to see the last Russian troops come out of Germany, i got sloshed on champagne, snatched the baton from the conductor of a police orchestra and pretended to conduct them while blowing kisses to the crowd and danced around like a drunken maniac, which in truth i was.
Can you picture Angela Merkel slipping past her handlers and running out the White House and down Pennsylvania Avenue in her underwear like i did, actually on second thoughts, don't try to imagine it.
That's the problem with World Leaders today, no sense of fun or a penchant for necking strong alcohol and playing the drums on a World leaders head.
I did some good things and i did bad things but i will always be remembered for being the drunk Russian President who was too pissed to get off the plane and meet the Irish President and that's how it should be or rather would be if i stayed sober long enough to remember it.
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