I was probably the most famous Mafia boss of all time, rising to the top of the Chicago Mob during the Prohibition era, a time when youse couldn't swing a tommy gun without hitting another chubby, Italian looking guy in a pin-stripe suit and fedora.I didn't let man-boobs and tendency to sweat too much stop me from amassing a huge fortune while slaughtering my enemies and getting sweatily busy with the ladies while all the time supplying sober Americans with alcohol.
Illinois was both a great and terrible place to be a beer fan during Prohibition. Sure, thanks to me there was no real shortage of booze, but there was a decent chance youse get shot in the kneecaps while drinking it.
I was the very essence of the badass bad guy and was even an early adopter of masks which seem all the rage nowadays but despite shooting up most of Chicago and being directly linked to the murder of 33 people, most famously seven on Valentines Day, they got me on tax evasion.
I broke a lot of hearts dat Febuary 14th, mostly with bullets and baseball bats but despite a large pile of bodies, dose FEDs couldn't finger me so they got me on 22 counts of tax evasion, because apparently even us murderous bootlegging outlaws are supposed to pay our taxes and i owed $150,000 so despite three years of wiretapping and brewery raids, dat chump Ness had nothing he could use to put me behind bars but we later found out he was a massive alcoholic so he could also easily have been one of my best customers.
I died of complications from syphilis and the only thing my time proves is the truth in the saying about the only thing we can be certain of are death and taxes, a legacy of other peoples deaths and my taxes.
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