Special Guest Blogger: Tomás de Torquemada

History has not been kind to us Spanish inquisitors, now im not saying the Spanish Inquisition didn't burn the occasional witch alive or stretch the occasional heretic to death but we didn't just go around killing and torturing people willy-nilly, some of 125,000 people tried in our tribunals did not end up crispy fried.
The Spanish Inquisition is often cited by heathens and atheists as an example of religious intolerance and repression but it was a carefully thought out exercise so we would only burn people who we had evidence for such as the absence of chimney smoke on Saturdays meant that the family were secretly honoring the Sabbath and therefore guiltily Jewish, buying lots of vegetables or meat just before Passover or anonymous accusations by neighbors, the paperwork involved was horrendous.
We only investigated heretics and that included anyone involved in witchcraft and superstition, blasphemy, sodomy, freemasonry, reading prohibited books, bigamy or unnatural Marriage and if someone wasn't available to be burnt to death we would burn an effigy of them but that was usually because they selfishly died during torture.
We had a technique which simulates drowning, much like modern waterboarding but my personal favourite was the rack, mostly so i could do my joke about them being due a long stretch but mostly because i was a sadistic bastard but we did stop the practise of tying the rope around the victim's forehead as it was apt to pop the eyes from their sockets, health and safety issue to have eyeball rolling around for anyone to slip on. 
One guy, Antonio Zavallos, was such a zealot that on being sentenced to death following an inquisition that revealed he was Jewish, he demanded to be burnt alive to satisfy God but we refused and he was gutted, gutted literally in every sense and then then we chopped his head off.