Special Guest Blogger: Saint Fiacre

God's busy, alright? He is either saving the British Queen, blessing America or directing all those holy wars in his name so he doesn't have time to sift through every prayer asking for help so to help out, over the centuries, the Catholic Church has recruited patron saints to act as sort of receptionists to sort through your requests.
The problem is that the big guy is the one who designates what each saint is in charge of and we don't get a say in it but my initial reaction when i was told was 'I'm the patron saint of WHAT???"
See, i was especially famed for my gift of healing by the placing on of hands but when you hear i was given the job of being the patron Saint against haemorrhoids, you may not want to think too long about that, i try not to.
My path to sainthood began in France when i was looking for somewhere to hang my crook and found a woods and was told by the owner that i could have as much land as i could clear in one day so found a large clearing, stood in the middle and said look at this then and everyone said it's a miracle and it was, a miracle that i found land owners so fecking stoopid.
As a knew a bit about medicine, being 7th Century France i was put in charge of miraculous healing to cure anyone in need just that in 7th Century France, there was a lot of banging each other blind and sitting on wet, cold surfaces because my clientele were riddled with STD's and hemorrhoids and as my whole schtick was i layed hands on what ails ye...it was centuries until gloves were invented.
Unfortunately i have been kept busy ever since so to help out please remember that the Saint to pray to for protection against bowel disorders is Saint Bonaventure of Bagnoregio while for dysentery it's Saint Eulalia of Barcelona you should direct your communications towards, not me, i already have my hands full, just don't ask what with.