Sunday, 9 August 2020

Special Guest Blogger: Benedict Arnold

It has been said that i was an American who switched sides to fight alongside the British during the American Revolution but i was always British, as British as an electric kettle as us Britishlanders say so as i'm 100% British there may be some words here that you Americano's won't understand.
I did start out fighting in the American army, getting into many a kerfuffle and i led the famous siege of Fort Ticonderoga, masterminded the invasion of Quebec where i got shot in the leg. If i had bought some slaves and retired then they would have built a statue of me in Conneticut but the military repeatedly passed me over for promotion with younger, less experienced men and other officers tried to take credit for my achievements and i was even investigated by congress on baseless accusations of corruption, so after all my bravery, sacrifice and bullet holes, America kicked me repeatedly in the guts so i thought they can bloody well naff off somewhere else. Effing cheek of it and i quit the team and decided to go for the full English and offered West Point to my British homies.
I would have got away with it to if it wasn't for me being a proper arse and holding lengthy negotiations with the British regarding how much i would be paid and then the damned yankee plums found out and i had to flee to the safety of the British-occupied territory of New Brunswick in Canada and then to England.
I can't suss out why the idea of naming a traditional American breakfast known as Eggs Benedict after me is meant to be an insult but those yankees don't have the sense of humour that us Britishers have and anyway, so what if i did screw you over, hey, America, you started it so bugger to the lot of you.

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