My actual name was Vlad Dracul but as i was given the nickname 'Vlad the Impaler' and the Turks called me 'Sir Impaler' so you can assume i really, really liked impaling people.I was the Prince of Wallachia in Romania but as a child i was taken hostage by the Turks and broke free and years later, to show there was no hard feelings, i invited two hundred Turkish nobles and their families for a dinner at my castle on Easter Sunday.
As for the after-dinner entertainment, i took the male nobles outside and had each of them impaled, showing an artistic flair by arranging the bodies along the hillside in rows, it did look pretty.
The surviving wives and children were then taken into the mountains and in their finest Easter clothes, i impaled them also. Look, i was called Vlad The Impaler, not Vlad The Guy Who Hands Out Sweets.
It did kind of give me a taste for it though and i was soon rounding up whatever mustached Wallachian turnip-farmers i hadn't gotten around to impaling yet and during my war with nearby Transylvania, i impaled every businessman that i could find and you get three guesses as to what i did to all the men, women, and children who i captured. Yep, good guess.
Not one to make the same mistake twice when they can make it four or five times, i would invite peasants to dinner at my castle, give them a feast, and then have them impaled at the dinner table, all that screaming and pleading for their lives does help the digestion i find.
I was big on the social outreach, poverty was widespread in Wallachia so to help out, i invited hundreds of the poorest folk to a feast (by now my signature move) and while they ate and drank, guess what i did to them. Nope, i locked the doors and set the hall on fire. Problem fixed.
I died in battle while fighting the Turks but my legacy would read five stars, top quality service. I'd recommend Vlad as the best impaler working today.
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