Special Guest Blogger: Prince Philip

Life is fleeting, and a percentage of the people reading this will die before they reach the end of this post but then other people go on living. In fact, they stay alive so long, it's scary and us Royals do tend to live long and healthy lives, much to my son Charles disappointment, but i know the Royal secret to living to a fair old age, do very little.
We wave at the plebs lining the streets every now and then, travel First Class to far flung parts of the World and remember to feed the corgi's while having our every whim seen to by an army of lackeys, but that's it.  
My nickname was Phil The Greek but i may have been born on Corfu into Greece’s royal family, yet i was as Greek as a Cornish pasty as we were actually a mix of Dane, Russian and German, our family name was Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburgs.
As the Royal marriage pool is very shallow, Lizzie and i were third cousins and we actually first met when she was 13 and came to Dartmouth College where i was studying to have a bit of a nose around and then we met up again a few years later at a family get together and that shallow marriage pool really played to my favour as i proposed to her.
The British were initially not keen on me, the war was just over and my German heritage and two of my sisters being married to a couple of Nazi's didn't play that well but i took British citizenship, dropped the ridiculous Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburgs name in favour of Mountbatten and settled in for a decent couple of fun filled decades before the wife took the throne but George VI inconveniently died soon after and so began a career of me walking behind the now Queen looking grumpy as her consort despite going all around the World and showing how grateful i was for their generous welcome by insulting them.
I said China was ghastly and told British students there they will get slitty eyes if they stay there too long, said the people in Papau New Guinea were cannibals, called Hungarians pot bellied, said Canada was boring, Kenyan women looked like men, Caymen Islanders were all descended from Pirates, the French couldn't cook and the Australian aborigines were spear chuckers but what were they going to do about it? Sack me?
I may have had a face like a pug-dog chewing a bee but i will miss Britain now i'm no longer in the land of the living, not all of it obviously, there are some cities in it even i couldn't do down by insulting it, but i am now up here looking forward to see if Meghan turns up at my funeral although i did rush as quickly as i could through the pearly gates, they looked so unsafe they could only have been put up by an Indian.