I was born in Cornwall in the UK but i got arrested for stealing food from a neighbours house and was expecting a few months in the pokey but at my trial i thought it would be a laugh to make fun of the judge and to be fair he was smiling when he sentenced me to be deported to the prison colony in Australia because that's what the Brits did back then.
Once there i was issued a ticket of leave which entitled me to all the wonderful freedoms Australia had to offer including getting horribly mauled by almost every fish, insect and mammal living there and i was a good little deported convict for a few years until i got caught stealing a horse and subsequently locked up in a ramshackle hut and i just walked out and re-stole the very same horse plus the magistrate's saddle.
I was recaptured two days later and sentenced to three years in a place with better security and on my release i killed an ox and got another sentence and escaped three times until the Governor constructed an escape proof cell and only let me out an hour a day to break rocks.
The guards were tasked with removing the broken rocks at the end of each day, but as the guards got lazier, my rock pile got bigger and got so big that it neatly disguised the big-ass hole i knocked through the prison wall and used to let myself out.
Two years later i got nabbed robbing a winery and the judge at the trial said i was beyond a criminal and must be insane so they locked me up in a lunatic asylum which i obviously escaped from four times before i died of dementia but i led an eventful life and got to travel so remember that life is for living and then you die and they throw dirt in your face and then the worms eat you and as long as it happens in that order then be grateful because you haven't done bad.
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