Special Guest Blogger: Queen Elizabeth I

As the daughter of Henry VIII i was never going to be a wallflower and i was lucky enough to have ruled during the time of Walter Raleigh, Francis Drake and William Shakespeare and when the Spanish got all uppity, well, you may have heard of the Spanish Armada or as we called it afterwards, floating firewood.
I also had a few sibling problems with my sister, Mary, who planned to murder me and take the throne for herself but i ensured that she didn't have the last laugh by making sure she didn't have an head, odd bodkins the executioners axe soon settled that dispute.
I was famously called the virgin queen but as a lady i could never kiss and tell despite the courts of Europe being abuzz with gossip about my relationship with Robert Dudley, just as i was too much of lady to possibly comment on how exactly his wife, Amy Robsart, ended up with her neck broken at the bottom of a staircase.
I did die unmarried and there are relatively few portraits of me and the ones that there are, all look kinda similar and perfectly captured my regal beauty such as my petite nose and not my actual hideously crooked hooter, perfect white teeth and not the real rotten tombstones in my mouth and my porcelain smooth white face and no sign of my actual pockmarked skin.
The truth is that when i ordered portraits i ordered the artists to do an exact copy of the only portrait i ever liked and as i was a bit head choppy in my time, that's exactly what i got.
Say what you like about us Tudors but nobody can ever say we were boring, psychopaths and nutters yes, but never boring.

Special Guest Blogger: William Herschel

Before i became involved, the Solar System ended at Saturn but after i had my time there were seven bodies instead of six floating around the Sun with us, but wow did i give it a bad name.
I could have chosen anything from the rich English language but my greatest achievement will forever be met with childish giggling.
At the time i considered calling it the 'Georgian star' after King George III though plumping for naming my new Planet Uranus after the Greek god of the sky was a good thing initially, it went with the other ancient God's name given to the Planets, but if i had known that talking about rings around Uranus or exploring Uranus would end any sensible discussion, i would have rethought that.
I suppose it makes things interesting when a scientist asks for funding to look for dark spots on Uranus but we all need to think carefully about Uranus and watch it closely because for all we know Uranus could be crawling with life despite the noxious gases emanating from Uranus that could kill a man.
It is time that we all just acted more maturely and stopped making Uranus the butt of jokes, as i never tired of explaining to people, no man has ever been to Uranus and it should be something that we are probing thoroughly...oh i give up!

Special Guest Blogger: Moa Zedong

All my life i was brought up to believe there was no such place as the afterlife but now I'm here it's fantastic, no crop failures or five-year plans and only the best and brightest of mankind make it here so i wasn't expect to see so many Americans or French.
Considering i was a history teacher, run a book club and wrote poetry, i wasn't the first person you would think of to bring forth a revolution but i was inspired by Marxist literature such as The Communist Manifesto and my hero's included George Washington and Napoleon Bonaparte and led the revolution to overthrow the regime, promising to turn China into a red, prosperous utopia in my time. Well it was certainly red.
On the death of Stalin, i became the Worlds forthright Communist and launched the Anti-Rightist Campaign, which persecuted at least 550,000 Capitalist pig dogs and put into effect my great plan, the Great Leap Forward that aimed to rapidly transform China's economy from agrarian to industrial.
We built Tractors as far as the eye could see, with hindsight maybe the fields of wheat should have come first but we live and learn, those that lived anyway.
It led to the deadliest famine in history and the deaths of 20–45 million Chinese comrades which was a set back but it modernised the nation and built it into a world power while promoting the status of women, improving education and health care, as well as increasing life expectancy of the average Chinese, the ones who survived obviously but there was a billion Chinese and it stopped talk of the One Child policy.
My rule was called autocratic and totalitarian, and condemned for bringing about mass repression and destroying religious and cultural artifacts and sites and suppressing any negative press.
Not sure how they came to that conclusion, nobody read that in a newspaper and it definitely wasn't reported on television.

Special Guest Blogger: King George IV

I was 57 when i took the throne but i was the regent King for much longer on account of my dad being stark raving barking mad.
I see that the Royal Princes today are hanging around in Pizza Huts and not having sex with sex slaves but i kept myself busy while i was hanging around waiting for the mad old sod to die, while he was hanging jewellery off his ears and pretending to be a Christmas tree, i re-designed Buckingham Palace, Windsor Palace and got hitched to Princess Caroline of Brunswick but only because if i agreed to tie the knot with a nice Protestant girl, my dad said he would pay off my debts which were £630,000, or £63 million in today's money.
The wedding didn't exactly go to plan as i was already secretly married to Maria Fitzherbert, and she was a divorcee and a Roman Catholic (bit awkward), so the second marriage didn't get off to the best of starts and when dad finally died, i banned my wife from my coronation which some say the public rejection and humiliation helped her die just three weeks later.
The British public turned on me, seeing me as a drunken, selfish oaf which wasn't helped by the Duke of Wellington calling me the worst man he ever known in with his whole life, the most selfish, the most false, the most ill-natured and without one redeeming quality.
Sixty years i had been waiting for my dad to kick the bucket and by the time i got to the throne i was almost a pensioner which is why ten years later, most of them bedridden, i was kicking the same bucket.
It appears that all that heavy drinking and indulgent banquets finally caught up with me and when i died i was obese and riddled with gout, partially blind, had hardened arteries, fluid retention, porphyria and an enlarged heart.
My obituary in The Times wrote that: 'he would always prefer a girl and a bottle to politics and a sermon', make that preferring a girl, a couple of bottles and a really, really big pie to anything.

Special Guest Blogger: Mama Cass Elliot

A popular legend about me is that while walking past a worksite, a butterfingered workmen clumsily dropped a thin metal plumbing pipe and it hit me on the head and knocked me to the ground and after i left hospital i had a headache and pretty decent singing voice.
Of course that story might not be true because i was off my face on drugs for most of my lifetime as was all us Mama's and Papa's, we spent a year on the Island of Mustique just inhaling, drinking, popping and injecting anything we got our hands on but we write some of our best songs in that period somehow.
I always had a thing for Denny Doherty but he was slipping it to that skinny cow Michelle Phillips so i began comfort eating and my weight ballooned and me and Michelle would bitch fight but soon the others had enough and said that the band wasn't big enough for the two of us, well it wasn't big enough for me on my own so i went solo and found myself in the flat of fellow singer Harry Nilsson, which is where i was found dead which started many rumours about the cause of my death ranging from an FBI plot to giving birth to John Lennon's love child, but they soon narrowed down to just one, death by ham sandwich.
The media reported that a half eaten ham sandwich was found next to my body and assumed i had choked on it which is ridiculous as i would never have eaten only half of it.
I am often asked what i think of the current crop of girl singers and apart from being far too skinny, a few could do worse than walk around building sites hoping that their are some clumsy plumbers working at the top of the scaffolding.

Special Guest Blogger: Andrew Johnson

The assassination of Abraham Lincoln was a sad, sad day for America but a great, great day for me because the second he hit the opera house floor, i became the 17th president of the United States, go me, not bad for someone who never went to school and whose main interest was tailoring.
My main accomplishment as President was the Alaska purchase, 586,412 square miles of brand spanking new American territory as bright as a new pin, bought off the Russians in a hard driven bargain, they asked for $7m, i offered $5m and we agreed on $7.2m, who needs maths classes! 
I also opposed the Fourteenth Amendment, giving citizenship to former slaves but that was mainly on the grounds that i had only just recently bought a couple, 14 year old Dolly and her half brother Sam, to bring my slave contingent to 14, and as i had paid good money for them, i wasn't going to just give them up that easily.
After my rambling, incoherent swearing in address people often stopped to ask me if i was drunk, and i always replied of course i was, you could have heard a pin drop as i told the assembled dignitaries that they were my best mates ever and then spent ten minutes trying to prove i could lick my own elbow.
That wasn't the reason the Democrats tried to impeach me though, that was because i kept trying to sack my advisors but they just weren't very good and you can't make a silk purse from a sows ear and i was hard to pin down and it was all a massive stitch up anyway.
I may have been the first to be impeached but i hear that there have been a couple more since but i'm not one to get the needle as i know that no President before or since could do a Back stitch or Slip Stitch as good as me.

Special Guest Blogger: Galileo Galilei

Galileo here, the first man to use a telescope to look into space and discover the mountains and the craters on the moon and all the stars in the Milky Way and other cool stuff.
I was not in it for the fame or for the money, i didn't want to be a celebrity, just wanted to sell telescopes and they were better than the pap which gets sold nowadays.
Of course the Church was not fans of Astronomy because they saw it as threat to the rubbish that they had been pushing and the people found it enormously disorientating because one moment they thought they were sitting still on a ball of rock with everything going around them but it turned out they were hurtling through space with them going around everything else.
With my telescope i discovered that Jupiter had several moons which really upset the Pope as there were only supposed to be seven heavenly bodies, the Sun, the moon and five planets so the church forced me to recant or be executed, no brainer, i recanted.
To be fair the church did apologise and give me an official pardon in 1992 so by the Year 2450 they might get around to apologising for fiddling with half of the world's choir boys as well.
What amazes me is that in 330 BC Aristotle provided evidence for the spherical Earth, Copernicus explained the Earth went around the Sun in the 15th Century, i pointed out there were more things in the heavens then the Church told us in the 16th Century and Johann Kepler explained in the 17th Century that the orbits of the planets were not perfectly circular and here we are in the 21st Century and there are some people trying say that the Earth is flat like they believed in 6th century BC, mama mia!!
Anyway, i was a small cog in the scientific discoveries that were huge jumps in philosophy and pushed back against the ideas of the Church but unfortunately not enough for the few remaining religious types to say hang on, the Church lied, and go off and do something more worthwhile instead but then they always did believe that the universe revolved around them, literally.

Special Guest Blogger: King George I

I was a German Prince and 51st in line to the British throne when Queen Anne died but as the 50 people in the queue before me were all Catholics, and because the English had a mad rule that only a Protestant could take the throne, i leapfrogged them all to become King which was nice, problem being my English speaking sucked and there was no Babel fish then but i solved that problem by spending much of my time anywhere but in England.
I was never very popular in England throughout my life, partly because of the mangling of the English language when i did try to speak it but also because of my greed, my many affairs and the rumours concerning the treatment of my wife who i had put in prison, she was putting a serious crimp in my sex life.
The British also perceived me as being far too German, hello, a German Prince who spoke only German and spent much of my reign in Germany, duh.
My death was not really in a manner befitting my royal status, i had been eating only fruit for days as my doctor had told me it would help me with my chronic constipation and after a massive fruit gorging session one afternoon, i was straining to get things moving so to speak when i felt so ill that i tried to ring for assistance and fell off the toilet.
Hearing a dull thud coming from the bathroom, my servant ran in to help me but it was too late and i died from a burst heart ventricle from all that straining.
I have been called dull and awkward in public and the British never really took to me which is probably why i am the only Monarch not buried in Britain but that's okay, i was hardly there when i was alive so only right i'm not there in their bloody awful country when i'm dead.

Special Guest Blogger: Florence Nightingale

Florence Nightingale here, or Nurse Nightingale as i was more formally called if you were lucky enough to be a wounded soldier in one of my field hospitals.
You had to be careful where you trod back in my day as there was always a lot of blood and guts on the floor as we had hundreds of wounded soldiers bleeding all over the place and there was also a lot of poo as most of our patients also suffered from explosive diarrhoea.
My hospitals were nothing special, just your run of the mill operations, most of our work included cutting off limbs with a blunt saw and that really hurt, i would often end up with a stiff shoulder after hacking off a poor privates limbs but chasing away all the rats attracted by the hacked off body parts piled out the back took my mind off it.
As many of the men we were treating died from diseases like dysentery, caught in the hospitals rather than from their wounds, i famously introduced cleanliness and order to hospitals during the Crimean War, becoming known as the Lady of the Lamp as i would often make my rounds at night and do that holding the lamp under my chin thing and shouting boo to try and cheer them up. It didn't very often admittedly.
I invented a chart which was dissected into sections which someone titled the 'Pie Chart' but most importantly i exposed the old wives tale that laughter is the best medicine, giving the soldiers a choice between a joke or strong painkillers, no-one ever chose the witty one liner.
My final thoughts are to be nice to nurses as we are the ones who administer the suppositories and especially you men, we choose the size of the catheters.

Special Guest Blogger: Matthew Hopkins

My name might not mean much to you but i was always better known under my job title of The Witchfinder General.
People had believed in witchcraft for centuries but King James had a strange fascination with all things associated with the occult and convinced Parliament to pass the Witchcraft Statute of 1604, which ruled witchcraft as a crime punishable by death.
As a struggling lawyer, i took up my Bible and crucifix and after being officially commissioned by Parliament to uncover and prosecute witches for a fee, i made it my mission to set about accusing as many innocent people of being witches as i could.
If anybody had an accident, a trip over a tree root for example, then they had obviously been cursed by a witch so we would go into a town, find some innocent woman, say she's a witch and have her burnt to death.
If your crops failed then it was almost certainly the fault of the strange old woman with warts who lived in the  village but we always gave them a fair trial even if unfortunately proving their innocence also meant they died but if they never died then it proved that they were a witch and we would kill them anyway.
Our methods were simple, you either confessed to being a witch which resulted in burning or not
confessing to being in league with the devil which resulted in being tortured until you said you are
 a witch, and then you were burnt.
Not all witches were burned though, we were not barbarians, some were starved while others were hung, beheaded,  stoned to death or had their eyes gouged out and in two years i was responsible for the deaths of 300 witches, 18 in one glorious day in Bury St. Edmunds.
Things were going well until i drowned whilst demonstrating my own swimming trial but as i never floated i guess i passed, unfortunately.

Special Guest Blogger: Marie Curie

After my discovery of radium and polonium, if you were a strapping gent looking to improve your virility in the early 20th century then your options included shoving a radioactive pellet up your rectum as recomended by me, a Nobel Prize winner.
We named the new elements Polonium, after Poland which was my native country and Radium after the Italian word for Ray as it would give off a beautiful shimmering glow.
My discovery went far beyond remedies for floppy male bits, my new elements found there way into all sorts of consumer goods that went into other orifices such as radium water, toothpaste, make up, heat pads, beer, nail clippers, childrens toys, starch, cigars, polish, headache tablets, razor blades, butter and of course radium coated condoms for use after inserting the radium suppository.
It was later found out that radium and polonium came with minor side effects such as lukemia, fragile bones, cancer and death which put a large dent in a burgeoning career, i even received a letter from Albert Einstein telling me to ignore the haters which was easy to do as i could literally see them coming a mile off. 
My husband, Pierre, said that i was looking more and more radiant each day and he wasn't wrong about that as i was dying from aplastic anaemia where my red blood cells were being killed off following a high exposure to radiation and now my body is buried in a coffin lined with an inch of lead as my remains are still so radioactive.
Most of my clothes, furniture, and laboratory notes are still dangerously radioactive and stored in lead-lined boxes and will be for the next 1600 years but they can never take away my discovery of radium, well not until the year 3620 anyway.

Special Guest Blogger: King Charles II

Britain had many monarchs before and after me but i must be Britain's most loved because they restored Kings just so i could rule over them.
My dad lost his throne, they chopped off his head and on the day of his execution he wore two shirts because he didn't want his subjects to mistake his shivering from the cold as a sign of fear, probably should have worn two pairs of underpants as well.
After he lost his head, old Oliver Cromwell ruled over the land but he wasn't a Jolly Olly and the only thing that stopped him being as miserable as sin was that sinning was not allowed.
Being a Puritan, he ran the country on religious lines and as the religious back then were as much fun as arse boils, he banned most things saying God wouldn't approve so when he died the people rose up and screamed 'Bring Back Charlie'!
So i was back and i set about reinstating Christmas, make up, football and even plays and the grateful people named a dog after me, the King Charles Spaniel.
Luckily the public were distracted by the Great Fire of London, playing football and hanging Christmas decorations so they never noticed that i was not a great lover of the wedding vows, and despite being married i had affairs with Lucy Walter, Nell Gwynne, Moll Davies, Barbara Villiers and Hortense Mancini but nobody cared what i did with my own crown jewels as the other ones were back in the Palace.
After i died several statues of me where erected but for the life of me i don't know why there are ones depicting me in ancient roman dress, i was about as Italian as a teabag.

Special Guest Blogger: Thomas Jefferson

The bulk of the Declaration of Independence was written by me but the part about the second amendment, the right to bear arms, was written by James Madison and although i was initially against it, i was persuaded that no harm would come of it so left it in, nice one James, you dolt.
As well as being the third President of the United States, i was also a diplomat, lawyer, architect, philosopher and Founding Father and urged the American colonists to break from the Kingdom of Great Britain and form a new nation and set about producing formative documents showing what an America independent of Britain could do such as take back control of our laws, borders, money and not have to drink their pissy weak tea anymore. 
I also organised the Louisiana Purchase which almost doubled the country's territory, striking a bargain with the French that in return for a fifteen million dollar cheque, the United States would acquire a total of 828,000 sq mi (2,140,000 km2 or 530,000,000 acres) of prime arable land.
That France only controlled a small fraction of this area, with most of it settled by Native Americans, wasn't really a problem as we just grabbed our muskets and forcibly removed them somewhere else.
One of my famous quotes was that 'all men are created equal' all men apart from the slaves that worked on my plantation obviously although i did see slave women as equals, especially one little cutey in particular, Sally Hemings, with who i fathered at least one child so what a happy coincidence that i also hastily wrote the fifth amendment into the Constitution so nobody knew, God Bless America.

Special Guest Blogger: Leif Erikson

The question i am always being asked is how do i feel about Christopher Columbus stealing my glory by 'discovering' America 500 years after i did.
The difference was i meant to find it, he sort of bumped into it while looking for somewhere else but i have always taken the view that he was welcome to it.
Vikings had some pretty weird beliefs that the Earth and everything on it came from the sweat of a giant's armpit and when i turned up in 1002 it was pretty obvious why we thought it, phew.
We were lucky to get there at all really, my crew included Asgard the Clumsy who died while eating breakfast in bed  and accidentally stabbed himself to death with his own dagger, the idiot.
It is only recently that my name has began to be mentioned, not that i noticed, i was too busy in Valhalla drinking all day and fighting all night. 
There really wasn't much worth seeing or pillaging in the new land, the natives were also a bit weird, so i only hung around a short while and then returned to Greendland.
As it turned out Columbus then came along much later and started slaughtering the inhabitants, and it is the Vikings who had the reputation for that so while my story is an epic saga of Viking warriors sailing their long boats into a terrifying unknown to find a new continent, the story that's get told is of some creepy Italian with a freaky beard who got lost, found a land by accident and then bashed up the locals.
My film would have been much better so get on it Hollywood, and see if you can get that Alexander Skarsgård to play me and Nicholas Cage would be ideal for Asgard.

Special Guest Blogger: William Shakespeare

My name is Shakespeare, William, the most famous owner of a feather quill and the giver of most phrases that we use today even if schoolchildren everywhere must be sick to death of me.
I gave the world such famous phrases and sayings such as 'More fool you', and 'Neither here nor there' and i am called the most famous writer in the history of the English language because of the beauty of my poetry and the genius of my insights into human nature but Gadzooks we had much better old-timey swearwords back then which we should be bringing back for today.
How much more impressive to call someone a Zounderkite (idiot) or a Fopdoodle (dumbass), whoreson (bastard) or even a Smellfungus (whiner) but ye dont want to be a Muckspout (someone who swears too much) and appear Baseborn (common) or even a Blackguard (scoundral).
How much more keen the children today would be if they learnt Shakespearean insults as i coined some absolutely corkers in my work.
Why tell someone they stink when you can say they are rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostrils or a fat pig sounds much better when called an elvish-mark'd, abortive,
bulls-spizzle rooting hog and by my gammer withered leg, if you can fit in whoreson greasy tallow-catch then even better.
You are fat becomes thou dost make the millstone seem as a feather or a big mouth is thy havest a dank cavernous tooth-hole and you are ugly is Thy vile canker-blossom'd countenance curdles milk.
You should not be afeard to link some together to really kick some breech (arse), buss thine breech dandiprat (kiss my arse insignifcant person).
Egad's, 'tis verily you could smite everyone and they wouldn't even know it, so these are the bits of Shakepeare the teachers won't teach you the unmuzzled, knotty-pated foot-lickers!

Special Guest Blogger: Marcus Licinius Crassus

Gates, Bezos and Rockefeller may be rich today but i was way beyond rich, in today's money it is tens of billions and none of them have their own army like me which i would rent out to the highest bidder.
General Sulla was my best client and we had a deal where he would take the land and property off our defeated victims and flog it to me dirt cheap but my best earner was the fire brigade, which i of course owned.
If i heard a house was on fire, my Brigade would rush to the burning building and upon arriving at the scene, do nothing while i offered to buy the burning building from the distressed property owner at a miserable, knock down price. If the owner agreed to sell the property, my men would put out the fire, if the owner refused, then they would simply watch the structure burn to the ground.
The best part was after buying the properties this way, i would use my army to rebuild them, and leased the properties back to their original, now homeless, owners. Loadsa-denarius!!
I ran Rome along with Pompey and Caesar and to keep my soldiers keen, i would sometimes go on a decimation spree, which is kill every one in ten of them which meant they were more scared of me than the enemy.
Such was my notoriety that i was sent to crush the Spartacus led slave rebellion which i did and nailed up 6,000 slaves along the river like a giant billboard to stop any further revolts. Harsh but it worked, no more revolting slaves, well, no more revolting than they usual were anyway.
I was finally defeated and captured by the Persians who, in a bitter irony to my wealth, made me drink boiling gold and then chopped off my head and used it as a prop in a play.

Special Guest Blogger: Guy Fawkes

The plan was to blow up King James and his entire family at the State Opening of Parliament because he was Protestant and I was Catholic and the King really hated Catholics, he seemed to think that we were always plotting something.
The plan was to roll 36 barrels of gunpowder down the Thames, sneak it into a cellar of a rented house below Parliament and then wait for the House of Lords to open then I creep back in, light the fuse and run away, blowing up the King and all of the Parliamentarians.
Would have worked too if it wasn't for the numpty Francis Treshamis writing to his MP brother telling him to take the day off on the 5th as it was going to be blown sky high.
It is nice that i am remembered over 400 years later but Bonfire Night can be very dangerous and i
should know so here are a few important safety tips for November for the 5th bonfire night.
Firstly, be very careful when transporting 36 barrels of highly explosive gunpowder into a cellar below the Houses of Parliament and number Two, always make sure your gang does not include anyone with relatives in Parliament that you wouldn't want to seen blown up.
Three is when you go in to light the 36 barrels of gunpowder, do stand well back, preferably about three miles back and Four, don't get caught red-handed.
Finally Five, do be careful not to get hung drawn and quartered and your body parts distributed to the four corners of the kingdom.

Special Guest Blogger: Adolf Hitler

Ze nasty, childish British sang a song about me only having one ball which couldn't be more wrong, i had the full complement of testicles but yah, they got it spot on about Joseph Goebbelss, Joey Noballs we would call him, it really was laugh a minute at ze Reichstag.
Of course i was famously Austrian but i led Deutschland into ze second World War but that was ze old Adolf, now i'm much more of a calmer person, i make pumpernickel canapes and my Schnitzengruber puddings are to die for and i still indulge in my art, i almost went to art school you know.
I have heard of a conspiracy theory that at ze end of the Second World War, i killed my wife and a body double and snuck off to Argentina in a stolen u-boat with art treasures but nein, zat was poor old Dolfy lying there lifeless in ze Fatherland mud.
My biggest regret was zat i never really sold the Hitler Youth idea, i really should have gone with ze learn how to tie knots and sing songs around the camp fire and less of ze learning how to fight in battle for when we run out of troops.
Manning the anti-aircraft guns with a group of 8 year old frauleins when the Allies stormed into Berlin was a mistake but zat is all in the past, i am a new man and people forget ze good things i did.
I hated to see creatures suffer and i banned boiling lobsters and hunting animals with dogs so i wasn't all bad, okay i didn't mind seeing Jews, Gypsies and homosexuals suffer so much, but they do say that to err is human but to forgive is divine so have a heart and let's share a Wiener schnitzel and forgive poor old Dolfy.

Special Guest Blogger: Cleopatra

Being the third in line to the Egyptian throne meant that i was going to have to wait until my two elder sisters died before i could take my turn but as fortune would have it, they both did just that and within a suspiciously short time of each other which all meant i became Queen of Egypt but as a Pharaoh is meant to be a dude, i had to wear a fetching beard disguise.
I married my half brother and we ruled together for a while but even in Ancient Egypt marrying your own brother is a bit icky so he also died mysteriously soon after and i ruled alone and enjoyed all the luxuries like bathing in asses milk and dressing like the goddess Isis in all the finest linen, one dress i owned was made entirely of 24-carat gold.
I then married another brother but my one true love was always Julius Caesar and i had his child and hoped that he'd be crowned King but my brother wasn't keen on that so he was yet another of my siblings who met a grisly end (really, what was my family like) but Caesar soon found twenty three knives thrust into his back so i then found out that my real, actual true love all along was Mark Antony who just happened to be another Roman leader but he wasn't the sharpest tool in the toolbox.
With Rome wary of the emergence of the Egyptians as a powerful force, and Antony gifting me Egypt, Cyprus, Crete and Syria as a wedding gift, they sent an army to kill us both so we made a suicide pact if one of us should die.
Whilst away fighting the approaching Roman army, in the mistaken belief that i had been killed, he literally fell onto his sword so i was obligated to do the same but not for me a boring old sword, i went with something much more dramatic and made a poisonous snake bite me on the breast.
I left behind a love story that the world will remember forever and a career highlight for Elizabeth Taylor.

Special Guest Blogger: William Wallace

The national animal of Scotland is the Unicorn so straight off you can see what i working with.
Back in my day Scotland wasn't part of the United Kingdom and it wasn't very united until the Romans turned up and we were such a pain in the arse that the Roman Emperor Hadrian built a great big wall right across the country sealing us in so we promptly returned to fighting with each other for the next 400 years.
The wee sassenach King Edward volunteered to become our King but us Scots don't much like being ruled by the English southern softies which
is where my Braveheart (and really nice legs in my kilt) stepped in and with a far better Scottish accent then that bloody Mel Gibson.
The reason i hated English so much was because they bullied my whole family and when the Kings Sheriff was sent up to negotiate with us i killed him so then King Edward sent his army for me but they had to cross a narrow bridge to get to me and my pals.
We painted our arses blue and white to represent the Scottish flag and waved them at the English army from the other side of the Stirling River bridge which isn't the most patriotic thing and we did consider the English flag on our arses but nobody was willing to paint the red stripe down the middle so we held them off and under the weight of all that weaponry and armour the bridge collapsed, drowning them all.
I spent seven years playing hide and seek but got captured and sent to London and tried for treason and my Braveheart, brave lungs and brave stomach and brave spleen were yanked out my body.
It seems that Scotland may become its own country again and this time with Alex Salmon and Nicola Sturgeon running things, we can only hope there are nae bare arses are waved this time, we don't need to see their backsides och no.

Special Guest Blogger: Groucho Marx

The remit for this blog posting is to go back over my life and give an opinion of how things went for me but the first few years are a bit of a blur, i must confess, I was born at a very early age but my first memory is throwing my toys at the mailman in my pyjamas, how he got into my pyjamas i'll never know.
I wanted to become a doctor because that was where the money was, in America a hospital bed is like a taxi with the meter running but i was to the medical profession what Henry 8th was to marriage counselling so instead i moved into singing but i had a voice that nobody could forget although in my case everyone tried so i went into comedy with my brothers.
Our first few television appearances turned out to be very educational, every time we were on the set people would go into the other room and read a book but along with Chico and Harpo, we improved and ended up making 13 films together.
Fame bought me three wives, some people claim that marriage interferes with romance and there was no doubt about it, anytime i had a romance my wife found out so in the best Hollywood tradition, each of my brides kept the bouquets and threw away the groom.
My second wife was a real beauty, she got her looks from her father. He was a plastic surgeon.
In all seriousness though i had a great life, i just joked around and looked like an idiot, walked like an idiot and talked like an idiot but don't let that fool you, i really was an idiot.
I did intend to live forever, or die trying but the doctor told me i was fatally ill with pneumonia so i said not to worry, dying  would be the last thing i would do.
Well it has been fun reminiscing, i have had a perfectly wonderful afternoon, but this wasn't it.

Special Guest Blogger: Tutankhamun

What with it being over three thousand years ago when i ruled Egypt, the memories start to fade a bit but i was nine when i took the throne after my Daddy became a Mummy and my big brother becomes Pharaoh.
He then promptly died only to be replaced by my sister, Nephi, who then also promptly died meaning that at just nine years old i become
Pharaoh but running a country is no job for a kid because it's far too
boring so my Uncle Aye says he would kindly keep an eye on things
so i can carry on doing all the fun stuff that ancient Egyptian kids did like playing games, going to school and getting married.
It was a thing back in my day that to keep the royal bloodline pure, we married our relatives so my wife, Ankhesenpaatenm, was also my sister and also used to be my stepmum so we grew up together as husband and wife/mum/sister but when i was 16 i tried to take the throne back from Uncle Aye but he didn't want to give up power so he
bashed me on the head while i was asleep and killed me.
This left poor old Ma/Sis/Mrs Tut with a broken heart but also with the crown of Egypt which of course uncle Aye wanted for himself so he tries to marry my wife/mum/sister even though she's also his granddaughter which is finally a bit too much incest for Mrs Tut who wants to marry a foreign prince but sadly he gets cold feet, cold everything in fact because Aye kills him on his way to the wedding.
Realising her fate, she married her Uncle and they live happily ever after, or at least as long as it took to read the wedding vows because she did a runner at the reception and was never seen or heard from again.
Meanwhile I'm buried along with a curse and in 1922 an archaeologist named Howard Carter discovered my tomb and stole all my great treasures but he didn't reckon on the curse and within a year the man who paid for the dig, Lord Carnarvon, dropped down dead from a mosquito bite and
Howard Carter himself died 20 years later of completely natural causes, well i never said it was a good curse!!

Special Guest Blogger: Lyndon B. Johnson

I am probably most well known for the Vietnam War and many people did express concerns over the speed in which we were becoming militarily involved in Asia but i told them i was going as fast as i could.  
My overriding concern was that Communism failed and Democracy prevailed and that whoever gets in power does as we tell them but the Vietnam War has become a bit of a sore point for America but they should think about the good things that the war gave us, films like Apocalypse Now, Full Metal Jacket and the theme from The Deer Hunter.
It is often painted as a defeat for America and the 2 million civilian deaths are often quoted by the goddamn pinko liberal faggots but our intelligence indicates that those houses were full of highly-trained crack civilians trained to speak Vietnamese fluently and utterly dedicated to opposing all forms of American military action on their families, houses and farms.
Our intelligence also indicated that many of the civilian children were single mindedly intent on growing up into becoming totally Vietnamese civilians and becoming farmers, accountants and plumbers in direct opposition to American interests in the area.
We were also acting within strict accordance with the Geneva Convention which states any country can do anything it goddamn pleases and then quote humanitarian intervention afterwards to justify it,  which is exactly what we did.

Special Guest Blogger: King John

Magna Carta? Magna Farta more like because although i signed it, i dissolved it almost as soon as i left Runnymede Forest that day so why is it still going 800 years later?
The story goes that i was a greedy little man who coveted jewels, luxury and other people's wives but as well as the Pope giving me earache over my choice of Archbishop of Canterbury, i also had a war with the French to fight and wars are not cheap, so i tapped up the richest people who were the Barons and the Aristocracy who they took offence and made me sign up to a law which meant all men are free and limited my power and blah blah blah which i said sure, where do i sign your manky scroll and then minutes later poo-pooed it so it doesn't count and i was King.
It was said that i was forced to sign The Magna Carta so whoever followed me onto the throne could no longer ride roughshod over their subjects but in reality The Magna Carta provided plenty of personal rights and freedoms if you were wealthy or part of the Church, nothing in the charter corresponded to the rights of the common citizens and the rest of the country continued to toil in the fields under the control of the Barons and Aristocracy who treated the common folk with much more disdain and cruelty than even i treated the nobility.
Far from the Magna Carta being some incredibly important event in the rights of the common man, the only beneficiaries of it were the richest people who were able to continue oppressing the common man while being freed of paying their share of taxes and from where i am sitting, 800 years on, that hasn't really changed.
It did give me the chance to become famous as the Robin Hood baddie though, the guy who stole from the rich and gave to the poor with the rich being the very people the Magna Carta was designed to protect.
Magna Farta indeed.

Special Guest Blogger: Alfred Nobel

I was sat in my living room one day reading a book on Swedish Kings when my wife came in and said 'Darling, i don't want to worry you or anything but I think you might be dead'.
Naturally i checked and sure enough i was still breathing so i said she must be mistaken on which she showed me the morning newspaper and sure enough there was an article which stated 'Alfred Nobel, the Swedish chemist and inventor of dynamite, died yesterday in the French resort of Cannes' which was a real shock because i had spent yesterday food shopping in Malmo.
Turned out they had mistaken me for my brother, Ludvig Noble, which i admit was more of a relief for me than him but it did prove a turning point for me as my greatest achievement to date was inventing dynamite.   
True that i had become incredibly rich by finding ways to kill more people even faster and violently than ever before but nobody wants to be remembered for that although i failed to see how just because i'd invented dynamite i was personally responsible for the death of thousands of people.
I mean honestly have you ever heard such nonsense i asked my wife.
'To be honest sweeteheart' she said sweetly, 'you did invent what is at this point in time the most powerful explosive on earth and it has gone on to kill thousands and thousands of people'.
I hated the thought that when people hear the word Nobel they're always going to think of dynamite and it was too late to change its name to Unicorn Rainbow Safety Powder so i decided i shall use my wealth to reinvent my own image and establish a special prize, one that rewards positive human endeavours in the pursuit of peace so that when i died i wasn't going to just be linked to explosives, i would also be remembered for whitewashing my own name and nobody need remember all the nasty deaths i caused.

Special Guest Blogger: Emperor Caligula

I was the third Roman Emperor who reigned for a short period of 4 years but i am remembered for being one of the most despotic, insane, perverted and cruel leaders Rome ever had, which took some doing considering the competition.
I was a bit conscious of my balding head so made it illegal for any person to look down on me from above and ordered men with thicker hair to shave their heads and appointed my horse, Incitatus, as a consul, one of the highest political positions in Rome.
I also did declare myself a living god and ordered the construction of a bridge between the Palace and the Temple of Jupiter so that i could meet and speak with the Deity everyday but what i am probably best known for is my war against my greatest foe, the God of the Sea, Poseidon.
Any old Emperor could defeat the Carthaginians but it takes a special kind of Emperor to take on a God and as he lived in the sea, that's where i went looking for him.
I lined up every ship in the Roman Navy side by side stretching out far into the sea then i marched the entire Roman army across the ships and when they reached the end, made them all throw their spears into the ocean.
Admittedly to the untrained eye that looked a bit like thousands of men just throwing sticks into the
sea but we did kill thousands of his soldiers, or fish as they are also known. 
I did take Nero's idea of feeding Christians to the lions and turned it into a sport but unfortunately injuries early on didn't favour the Christians, having their legs chewed off in the first minute did seem to affect their pace a bit which made for short fights which i was gutted about, not as much as the Christians were obviously, but it was disappointing all the same.

Special Guest Blogger: Tycho Brahe

Things got crazy for me pretty early on, i was born into Danish nobility but kidnapped aged two by my Uncle but as one of 12 children, my father didn't seem to try to hard to get me back and i grew up non the wiser that my dad was actually my uncle but he did encourage my interest in Astronomy and mathematics.
It was maths which led to my tragic disfigurement, challenging a guy to a sword duel over an algebra equation but unfortunately it turned out that he was some great swordsmen and he lopped off my nose. 
Fearing it might affect my chances with the ladies, i had a brass one made for everyday use and silver one for special occasions and hoped nobody would notice too much.
Not long after the nose slicing episode, i discovered a new star and my fame spread all around Europe and the King of Denmark gave me my own observatory, but i needed staff so i bought in a midget psychic and an Elk which i house trained although it did later die by getting drunk and falling down the stairs, poor thing couldn't take it's liqueur.
Things suddenly got serious when i got into a heated debate with the Kings son, accusing him of not respecting my greatness enough, the same King's son who then took over the throne when the King died not long after and remembered the names i called him and took back the observatory and exiled me.
Me and my metal nose collection turned up in Prague but after a banquet in my honour, i fell ill and died and suspicion fell on the King of Denmark but another suspect was my pupil, Johannes Kepler, the same Johannes Kepler who has access to all my Astronomical data and whose famous three laws
of planetary motion where suspiciously close to my own conclusions.
The truth is that i died of a ruptured bladder after drinking too much and simply refusing to get up to piss which, you gotta admit, sounds like a fitting way to go for someone who house trained an Elk and walked around with a silver nose.

Special Guest Blogger: Alexander The Great

Welcome to reading about some heroic events which you may well find impossible to attribute to any living person but then i, Alexander III of Macedonia, was a deeply remarkable man.
Back in the 4th Century BC they never had psychological tests but there have been plenty of people who have labelled me a psychopath, saying i displayed all the tell-tale signs such as a lack of empathy, no remorse, a massive sense of self-worth, vanity, self-centred, narcissistic and egotistical, i can't believe they haven't mentioned as handsome as any man who had ever lived.  
I may have gone down in the history books as the Great but i prefer the Greatest as not many 20 year olds become King and even less then go on a rampage across Greece and Persia leaving tens of thousands dead.
Not content with that i then hacked my way across Egypt and by the time i was 25 i was the Egyptian Pharaoh and King of Macedonia and Persia.
I founded over 70 cities and named 20 of them Alexandria after myself and even called one Bucephala after my horse but something i did fear was cats, horrible purry things, which was another reason for hating on the Persians, they have loads of the horrible creatures.
I had my eyes firmly on India but my troops said it was too far to march and refused to go with me so instead to raise moral we held a drinking competition but unfortunately the undiluted wine killed 35 contenders who died on the spot, while still six more died in the following days so not a great success.
I actually died the following year, some say through alcohol poisoning, some say i was poisoned by generals who wanted to stop me dragging them into even more dangerous conquests and some say i contracted Malaria but whatever happened, i was the original die young and leave a beautiful corpse and believe me, it was beautiful.

Special Guest Blogger: William Taft

Hi, William Taft here, i topped the scales at 25 stone or 350 pounds but it's not easy staying in shape when you're a busy President and something i could have done with was a workout DVD but we didn't have DVD Players back in my day but i could have made a fortune flogging my own, i would have called it 'So you want a body like President Taft's...The ultimate Workout DVD for anyone who want's to be wider than they are tall'.
Over 90 minutes i would show you how to sit all day and then sit some more and then once you had mastered that we could have moved onto advanced sitting.
Now let's exercise those legs by swinging them under a chair as we sit and at the same time we can recreate my famous bathtub exercise, don't forget to make sure that you are wedged in firmly before waving your arms around helplessly and hollering for six strong men to come and pull you out.
Okay, time to try some dips and while we are doing that, keep an eye out for Latin American tyrants we can prop up and those ones we can remove if they don't do as we say.
Now some real exercise for the bum, thighs and tum and while we are doing that, let's sack most of the black office holders in federal jobs, can't be accused of racism in the workplace if there are no black people in the workplace to be racist to. 
Exhausting work this so if you are hungry after the workout, follow the President Taft diet plan and learn the secrets of how i stayed so out of shape, yes you to can have a body that only looks good in a large sack.
During my adult years i doubled in size and you can too, you need my DVD, not available at any shopping malls.