The assassination of Abraham Lincoln was a sad, sad day for America but a great, great day for me because the second he hit the opera house floor, i became the 17th president of the United States, go me, not bad for someone who never went to school and whose main interest was tailoring.My main accomplishment as President was the Alaska purchase, 586,412 square miles of brand spanking new American territory as bright as a new pin, bought off the Russians in a hard driven bargain, they asked for $7m, i offered $5m and we agreed on $7.2m, who needs maths classes!
I also opposed the Fourteenth Amendment, giving citizenship to former slaves but that was mainly on the grounds that i had only just recently bought a couple, 14 year old Dolly and her half brother Sam, to bring my slave contingent to 14, and as i had paid good money for them, i wasn't going to just give them up that easily.
After my rambling, incoherent swearing in address people often stopped to ask me if i was drunk, and i always replied of course i was, you could have heard a pin drop as i told the assembled dignitaries that they were my best mates ever and then spent ten minutes trying to prove i could lick my own elbow.
That wasn't the reason the Democrats tried to impeach me though, that was because i kept trying to sack my advisors but they just weren't very good and you can't make a silk purse from a sows ear and i was hard to pin down and it was all a massive stitch up anyway.
I may have been the first to be impeached but i hear that there have been a couple more since but i'm not one to get the needle as i know that no President before or since could do a Back stitch or Slip Stitch as good as me.
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