Saturday 22 February 2020

Special Guest Blogger: King George I

I was a German Prince and 51st in line to the British throne when Queen Anne died but as the 50 people in the queue before me were all Catholics, and because the English had a mad rule that only a Protestant could take the throne, i leapfrogged them all to become King which was nice, problem being my English speaking sucked and there was no Babel fish then but i solved that problem by spending much of my time anywhere but in England.
I was never very popular in England throughout my life, partly because of the mangling of the English language when i did try to speak it but also because of my greed, my many affairs and the rumours concerning the treatment of my wife who i had put in prison, she was putting a serious crimp in my sex life.
The British also perceived me as being far too German, hello, a German Prince who spoke only German and spent much of my reign in Germany, duh.
My death was not really in a manner befitting my royal status, i had been eating only fruit for days as my doctor had told me it would help me with my chronic constipation and after a massive fruit gorging session one afternoon, i was straining to get things moving so to speak when i felt so ill that i tried to ring for assistance and fell off the toilet.
Hearing a dull thud coming from the bathroom, my servant ran in to help me but it was too late and i died from a burst heart ventricle from all that straining.
I have been called dull and awkward in public and the British never really took to me which is probably why i am the only Monarch not buried in Britain but that's okay, i was hardly there when i was alive so only right i'm not there in their bloody awful country when i'm dead.

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