After my discovery of radium and polonium, if you were a strapping gent looking to improve your virility in the early 20th century then your options included shoving a radioactive pellet up your rectum as recomended by me, a Nobel Prize winner.We named the new elements Polonium, after Poland which was my native country and Radium after the Italian word for Ray as it would give off a beautiful shimmering glow.
My discovery went far beyond remedies for floppy male bits, my new elements found there way into all sorts of consumer goods that went into other orifices such as radium water, toothpaste, make up, heat pads, beer, nail clippers, childrens toys, starch, cigars, polish, headache tablets, razor blades, butter and of course radium coated condoms for use after inserting the radium suppository.
It was later found out that radium and polonium came with minor side effects such as lukemia, fragile bones, cancer and death which put a large dent in a burgeoning career, i even received a letter from Albert Einstein telling me to ignore the haters which was easy to do as i could literally see them coming a mile off.
My husband, Pierre, said that i was looking more and more radiant each day and he wasn't wrong about that as i was dying from aplastic anaemia where my red blood cells were being killed off following a high exposure to radiation and now my body is buried in a coffin lined with an inch of lead as my remains are still so radioactive.
Most of my clothes, furniture, and laboratory notes are still dangerously radioactive and stored in lead-lined boxes and will be for the next 1600 years but they can never take away my discovery of radium, well not until the year 3620 anyway.
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