Special Guest Blogger: Saint Francesca Romana

I was a Benedictine oblate which means that i lived a religious life but never took any specific religious vows but my ambition to become a nun was paused when i got married to a wealthy local man and him being a man, he wanted sex.
Now the Christians have a very strict policy when it comes to sex, if it is two men or two women it's stoning time, if it is a man and a woman then its okay as long as it is not too often and none of the people involved actually enjoy it and they got straight back to concentrating wholly on things of the spirit straight afterwards.  
The Church even put out a list of certain positions which were banned so no sex standing up, the woman shouldn't be on top, no doggy style or oral and not on fast days, or feast days for a saint, or on Sundays.
Now as a good Christian, i wanted to make sure that i could sexually satisfy my husband while not enjoying it so i came up with the whizz of before having sex with my husband, i would heat pork fat and burn my vulva with it, ensuring i would remain in extreme pain throughout the sexual act, which not surprisingly it did.
He was later hacked to death by invading Neopolitans so i put the pork fat away but would whip myself daily and wore an iron belt with studs digging into my thigh as a reminder that i was a Christian and was not meant to be enjoying anything.    
I did have some weird and wonderful visions of demons trying to horrify me with images of death and decay but i began using a scooped out human skull as a drinking cup to show they didn't scare me.
So if you are looking at the calendar and thinking its not a fast day or a Sunday so it's okay to bump fuzzies and test the matress springs, put away the Wonderwoman outfit and baby oil because today is my Feast Day and we will have none of that today thank you very much.