Special Guest Blogger: Saint Patrick

Probably the most famous Irishman in History, i was actually English and when i was 16 or so, i was captured by Irish pirates and taken to Ireland as a slave to herd and tend sheep.
I was held captive for six years and then one day, while watching the sheep i heard a voice tell me to go to the coast and there would be a ship waiting for me to take me back to Britain.
Whoever the voice was, it obviously hadn't talked to the ships captain because he refused to take me but i used my charms and eventually he let me on and i arrived back home three days later.
I put the voices down to God, as you do, and joined the priesthood and then heard another voice telling me to go back to Ireland and covert the bally lot of them.
As with the sailors, the voices hadn't spoken to the pagan and druid loving Irish as i turned up with my mitre and crook and the first thing they did was refuse my ship to land so i had to keep going until i found a port where they wouldn't run my intestines up a flagpole the second i set foot off the ship.
Once there i worked my way into Irish Hearts but on a few occasions i also used my head to stop Irish clubs, rocks and fists and one time i was held captive and chained for 60 days by one druid tribe but i got chatting to the Chieftain and after the obligatory attempt to kill me first, listened to what i had to say and converted to my side.
After a rocky start, literally, i wandered around the nation converting people left, right and centre using a shamrock as a visual aid for the Holy Trinity but at some point i apparently chased all the snakes off a cliff after they attacked me which is a bit of an exaggeration as Ireland had no snakes but they didn't know that, they looked around, saw no snakes and said 'Wow, thanks Englishman'.   
It became a custom to wear a paper cross on St Patrick's Day but somehow that turned into wearing a big foam top hat shaped as a pint of Guinness, holding a pint of Guinness in each giant Guinness-sponsored foam mitt and spilling both pints of Guinness down the front of their Guinness St Patrick's Day T-shirt.
As one of the very few Englishmen to become a success in Ireland, i am probably best placed to pass on some valuable information on the proper use and care of any Irishmen you happen across.
It is highly recommended that you do not expose to sunlight as very bright red discoloration will occur and if you see an Irishman experiences trembling, administer liberal amounts of Guinness but most importantly never combine an Irishman with an Englishman as it may result in broken teeth.