Sunday, 26 September 2021

Celebrities Save The Day Again!

What a day! It was my day off but typically Sunday's is the day when i can only contact celebrities for advice so typically the day started off with me running out of Blusher and i was stood in Boots faced with far too many shades so i calmly called former Make Up Artist Mariah Carey for help and she advised that as i have fair/light skin, i would be best off going for a shade of soft pink, light coral or peach. Thanks Mariah.
I had a long walk back to my car and my new shoes were rubbing so i rang the only former Shoes salesman i know, George Clooney who told me the best way to break in new shoes quickly is to go the woman's toilet, put my shoes under the hand heater and when they are soft, put them, on and walk around, which i did and it worked so you saved me a few blisters there George and yes, i do understand that the 500m injunction remains in place.
I decided as i missed breakfast i would stop off for a sandwich but when they asked me what bread i wanted, i asked them to wait while i gave Kate Winslett a call, she used to work as a sandwich maker in a Delicatessen and she said i should go for Sourdough bread as it has a low glycemic index and will not cause tiredness due to a sugar crash later in the morning.
After her generous help i didn't want to bother her with my coffee Carb question so called one time waitress Sandra Bullock instead who said that either an Espresso or Americano would not cause me to falter on my keto diet.
It was on my way home that i clipped a cyclist with my wing mirror, he was riding in the middle of the road to try and overtake me at a junction when i hit him and he was saying he was going to sue me so i rang Gerard Butler who was a lawyer but he said that as he overtook my car, he must have been 'cycling furiously' which is a fineable offence under the 1847 Town Police Clauses Act, so i told the cyclist to pick himself up and he is lucky i don't report him to the fashion police for wearing lycra.
When i got home i realised that such was my haste to get the blusher this morning, that i came out without my key so i thought about it for while before phoning ex-fireman Steve Buscemi for advice on breaking down my door and being a real sweety, he suggested i hit the weakest part of the door, the opposite side to the hinges, with a heavy object which meant that the ugly gnome Auntie Karen sent me last Christmas came in handy after all.
With a busted door i had no choice but to telephone one time carpenter Harrison Ford for the best front door to buy, he was filming but stopped to say i should go for a Accoya Wood Door as it is tough and comes in an inherently modern design that still boasts an authentic appearance.
I just had time to make the Choux buns that i had promised the kids but i couldn't find my recipe book so in a panic i checked my celebrity list and thankfully had Harry Styles who was a baker before finding fame in One Direction and he explained that i had to gently heat milk, butter and water until the butter has melted, then bring to the boil before beating in the eggs gradually to a smooth dough.
All i had left to do was wash up but i had used the last of the washing up liquid to blow bubbles at the cat earlier and now all the shops were shut but good old Dwayne Johnson came to the rescue, he said that in his previous employment as a dish washer they would sometimes use very hot water and a little biological washing powder as a substitute.
Thank you Celebrities!!

No comments: