Monday 25 May 2020

Special Guest Blogger: Flavius Aetius

I was the Guy who saved Western Europe from Attilla and his marauding Huns but i am unknown to most, including many history buffs, but my valiant efforts were thanked by being murdered by the very people i saved.
I was the last General of the Western Roman Empire and Attila invaded Persia, terrorized the Eastern and Western parts of the Roman Empire, plundered the Balkans, and extorted vast sums of gold from the Romans but in 440, he crossed the Danube, plundered the Balkans, and destroyed two Roman armies.
The Roman emperor admitted defeat, and Attila extorted from him a treaty that paid 2000 kilograms of gold up front, plus an annual tribute of 700 kilograms of gold each year.
My sister sought to escape a betrothal to an decrepit old aristocrat begged Attila’s help and sent him her engagement ring with a letter explaining her dilemma, only she wrote it in Latin and Attila's Latin was not as great as it could be and interpreted that she was proposing marraige with him so he accepted and celebrated in that time honored Hun tradition of invading.
As the leader of Western Europe, i lacked the military means to stand up to the Huns on its own so formed an alliance with the barbarian Visigoths, promising them a homeland of their own in southwestern France in exchange for fighting off the Huns alongside the Romans and the Visigoths were absolute nutters but they defeated Attila and stopped his devastating invasion of Western Europe.
I thought they were going to laud me and give me as much gold as i could carry as thanks when i was summoned to Rome but the Western Roman Emperor Valentinian III felt intimidated by me and accused me of drunken depravities and hacked me to death with a sword right there and then.
Should have just let the Huns invade his skinny arse.

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