Monday 18 May 2020

Special Guest Blogger: Walt Disney

Straight off, my body is not cryogenically frozen to preserve it in the hope that one day in the future, technology would be able to bring me back to life because if it is then who the hell was that they cremated?
I don't know where the rumor started, i may have been rich and a bit crazy and it probably sounds like something i would do, but i never.
My story begins with a pet mouse i had as a kid but my first cartoon was of a rabbit i called Oswald and sold to Universal who stitched me up so i made up my own company and replaced Oswald the Lucky Rabbit with Mortimer Mouse who looked suspiciously identical to Oswald but with mouse ears instead of rabbit ears.
My wife said Mortimer was a sucky name so we changed it to Mickey but failed to find a distributor for the first couple of cartoons but Steamboat Willie hit a chord for some reason and was snort-milk-out-of-your-nose hilarious for most in those simpler times and we were off and running but not all my cartoons were success and the critics seemed to hate most things i did.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs almost bankrupt me straight away (review: badly drawn) but it was a roaring success with the public and i followed it up with Pinocchio (review: superior to Snow White) and Fantasia (review: Vulgar) but both films sunk at the box-office and we were once again facing bankruptcy.
Dumbo was the turning point and did well which was lucky because Bambi (review: the worst insult) bombed and we were back in hock so it was lucky i was getting paid by the FBI for grassing up 'Communists agitators'. 
Cinderella (review: nostalgically lovely charmer), Alice in Wonderland (review: Will drive lovers of Lewis Carroll to frenzy) and Peter Pan (review: Slaughtered Barrie's book) pulled us back to profit and then i hit upon the idea of a amusement park full of the films characters and Disneyland was born.
Such was the success that i began planning for a city fit for the future of the world to inhabit but before it got off the drawing board the chain smoking caught up with me and i died of lung cancer and was cremated two days later, not cryogenically frozen, CREMATED!

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