Any fans of 70's DISCO will know that i was the lover of the Russian Queen but something which Boney M didn't really capture was that i was an early 20th Century babe magnet which considering i looked like a donkey which had been hit very hard in the face with a house brick, was no mean feat.My story begins when i passing myself off as a mystic and faith healer to get chicks and the Russian Queen heard about my magical touch and hired me to heal her son who was ill, the boy was so ill he almost died following a bumpy coach ride, true story, the kid was permanently ill and was puking up all over the palace and chucking up all in the Kings slippers just after taking his medicine, so i tell the doctors to stop giving him his tablets, mumbled something in Latin and waved my arms around like a maniac, and he stopped upchucking.
Suddenly i was the best thing since potatoes (well it was Russia) and the Queen was so grateful that she allowed me to not only lay hands on her son, but lay them all over her as well, which i did, several times a week.
Sweet deal, the Tsar found out but couldn't stop me from ploughing his wife because if i was taken out his son would die but he got so angry after hearing me being called Russia's greatest love machine once to many times through the bedroom wall, he ordered me be killed.
The first attempt was a woman stabbed me in the stomach several times while i was preparing to give her a Russian Queen special but i managed to escape and then in an eventful evening a few nights later, while recuperating, i was invited to a friends house who poisoned my meal but i actually felt okay afterwards.
Taking the hint that i might not be as welcome as i first thought, i tried to make my excuses and leave but someone pulled out a gun and shot me.
As i stood there with a bandaged stomach, poison flowing through my body and now several gun shot wounds, i thought, actually, i don't feel too bad but i was determined to leave so i jumped out of the second story window.
As i lay on the ground winded and with several broken bones i thought, blimey, i feel okay but as i was getting up the 'friend' arrived and shot me again and after i started to think, holy crap, maybe i'm invincible after all, he hit me repeatedly over the head with his shoe until i unconscious, rolled me up in a carpet and lobbed me off a bridge.
Of course karma came in to play and the Tsar and his family were all wiped out by revolting Russians a year later (Nicolas killed by a single bullet the pussy) but i got the last laugh because i'm remembered as the almost unkillable Terminator like Love Machine and what's not to like about that!!
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