My parents said to me Teresa, whatever you do when you grow up be the best at it so when i got into the nunnery game, i aimed for the top and my picture on the wall of the Vatican.
That meant doing charity work with people who nobody wanted to touch, literally, people like lepers and the Prince of Edinburgh but it also meant a lifetime of celibacy which was fine all the time i was surrounded by men with body parts falling off but those nights in Calcutta can get very, very lonely.
Being so sexually frustrated all the time probably gave me the edge so when faced with a dying person looking for me to give them assurance that they would be going to heaven or to ease their suffering with medicine, i would just say softly 'You are sick and must suffer like Christ did on the cross' although whether Christ underwent heart surgery like i did when i was sick i am unsure, he probably did, guess i was lucky i wasn't the one caring for me.
So now i'm on the wall so i can lay it all out now and be myself, to be the holiest you need to beat the holiest and i out-holied everyone.
Princess Diana tried to muscle in to my racket but there was no way on God's green earth that she was celibate and although i wasn't much of a fan, i didn't want to see her dying in a Paris tunnel, i specifically said in an alleyway.
Of course i died only five days after her but my work here was done and i was on the wall and now i have been canonised so i am officially Saint Mother Teresa and all it took was a lifetime of watching people die of painful diseases while not helping them very much. Sweet.
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