Never in the field of human conflict has so much been owed to so many by so few, especially me because while men were being ordered to run at German machine guns, i was 50ft underground in a bomb proof bunker with enough alcohol to sink a battleship. I did occasionally pop my head up to make a speech and say we will never surrender whatever the Germans threw at us before nipping back downstairs sharpish but there were some days when i was just to pissed to make it up the stairs safely so we would dress up a bulldog, put a hat on it, shove a cigar in it's mouth and send that up instead.
Considering that i wasn't sober anytime after 1940, i didn't do too bad and i was made an Honorary American for my services during the war, considering they amounted to being the safest person in England while people dug themselves out of their own houses i decided to keep that bit quiet.
I was even voted 'Greatest Britain', and i did have a great reputation, mainly because as i said 'History will be kind to me as i intend to write it' and though i did call the many wars fought in the name of empire as: 'a lot of jolly little wars against barbarous peoples' who doesn't like a bit of war, i certainly did, especially against the Indians who pathetically screamed 'aaaaah I’m dying', rather than giving thanks for being starved to death on the orders of someone who would later save our nation, so it’s hard to have any sympathy.
By todays standards i suppose i could be a tad racist but i know many who wish they could have been black in 1920, just so they could have had the honour of being racially abused by the greatest Britain that ever lived so maybe the shameful youth with their lack of respect for our steadfast British spirit, instead of being drunk, obnoxious, smoking and being obese, they should be more like me.
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