If i did nothing else i inspired Elvis Costello to write that fine song 'Olivers Army' although as it turned out we were not here to stay and it was the Royal's who would have rather been anywhere else but there today.In the early 17th Century England the two largest factors dominating factors were the Church and the Royals and i hated the Royals as much as i loved God so one of them had to go, and i decided that King Charles was it as he keep putting up taxes so i raised an army and set about booting him out of power.
As i was an MP it was labelled the Parliamentary Army and i gave it the cool name of The New Model Army and we faced off with the Kings Army, or Cavaliers as they called themselves which was not as cool a name as my army, and while many leaders in conflict claim they had God on their side, i really did, or so i thought.
Charles was caught, put on trial and charged with murder, treason and mischief and we chopped his head off and i modestly declared myself His Highness By the Grace of God and Republic, Lord Protector of England, Scotland and Ireland.
I set about making England more religious and banned most things including bathing as being too clean is ungodly, all that smelling nice, nothing good could come of it but i had a particular hatred of all Catholics so i said to God that i was considering handing them a good hiding and to not give me a sign if he agreed and i took his silence as a massive yes so laid siege to Ireland and kill over 2,000 of them, especially the Catholic Priests. God's will and all that.
It all fell apart after i died and Charles son, the imaginatively titled Charles II came to the throne and dug up my corpse, hanging it, beheading and putting my head in Westminster Hall, way to hold a grudge, jeesh.
England had never been so holy, or miserable, but i do look at all i achieved, all the struggle, fighting and the problems i had to overcome to get ourselves a Parliament, and we end up with this Boris Johnson twat.
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