Bonjour, je suis Napoleon, you may have heard of me, ze short, overweight guy with ze little hands but massive battle plans.I may have been a teeny tiny little man but i was ze man who tried to make France great again and i would have done too if it wasn't for those meddling British.
True, people often mistook me for a child as i rode down ze Arc de Triumph saying 'oh look at that little boy’ and pat me on ze head and give me a chocolate bar and i am not complaining about that but it was a real pain trying to get served in ze Paris bars, often i would be sat in ze corner with an orange juice while my Generals got drunk.
Finally discovering that if i wore a really big hat i would be identified, everyone loved me as i romped around Europe invading countries and soon i could not walk around Paris without getting free croissants, garlic and berets, everyone except my wife Joséphine who was having an affair with someone called Hippolyte Charlie while i was away invading Italy and arresting ze Pope.
Ah, Joséphine, i wrote her letters pouring my heart out and imploring her to end zis torrid affair and come back to me and if being usurped in ze love stakes by someone with a name like Hippolyte is not embarrassing enough, ze hateful British intercepted my mail and published zem in ze Daily Chronicle. Les Enfoirés!
Anyway, i decided to divorce Joséphine and ze only person who could divorce us was ze Pope who i had arrested and transported to a French prison so that was a bit of an own goal but i was ze Emperor so i got someone else to do it. Viva la moi!
I did put forward a referendum which asked if i should be made ze Emporer for life and much to my joy i won convincingly although critics will say that the part on the voting form which said that you are free to vote how you want but ze first man to vote against Napoleon being leader for life will be shot helped.
It was all going so well until those damned letter printing British took ze hump because i tried to invade zem and caught me and exiled me first to Elba and then to St Helena.
So my legacy was for me, a teeny tiny man, to make France great and i did for a while although i do regret never having the chance to pass a law which said anyone with the first name of Hippolyte should have a pineapple shoved up their derrière on ze first of each month.
Bon soir and thank you to Lucy for ze phone books i am sitting on so i can reach ze keyboard.
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