Tuesday, 20 May 2014

America Stealing British Nurses

Due to the success of Obamacare, NHS bosses are concerned that Nurses will be upping sticks and flying across the Atlantic to fill the estimated shortfall of 100,000 nurses as US hospitals significantly expand their staff numbers.
The average wage of a nurse in the USA is £40,000 while in the UK it is £30,000 so it is understandable why some of the caring profession could be lured abroad which is ironic considering we poach them from all around the world in the first place but why should a nurse decide to ignore the call from Uncle Sam. Let me explain:

1: Wild Animals. In Britain the most dangerous animal we have is a hedgehog while in America they have wolves, bears, rattlesnakes, sharks and something called fire ants. Stay here and it's picking hedgehog needles out of someones foot. Go over there and it's sucking snake venom out of a sweaty Texan's backside.    

2: Tea: You will never get a decent cup of tea, they drink it cold and the don't use kettles. Make a cup of tea, leave it for two hours and then drink it and that's what you will be drinking for the foreseeable future.  

3: Driving. Americans drive on the opposite side of the road and they don't have roundabouts, instead they have a complicated system of crossroads. If you make it to work with your car intact you can consider yourself fortunate. Stay here and it's mirror, signal and manoeuvre and a leisurely drive at 20mph behind a Nissan Micra.

4: History: Britain gave the World modern nursing and has a rich history. There are beds in British hospitals that were built when the Pilgrim fathers were still on friendly terms with the Natives.  

5: Spelling: While Britain gave the Americans their language, they decided that 5 vowels was one vowel too many and dropped the letter 'u'. Good luck trying to explain that to the man with the ulcus cruris or pustuled uvula .

6: Guns. America has completely mad gun laws so while in Britain it's fluffing the pillows of the man having his gall stones removed, in America you will be dealing with multiple gun shot wounds all day every day. On top of that you will have to live among a community with a larger arsenal than the 16th Air Assault Brigade. 

7: Humour: You won't be at work all the time and at some point you will have to turn on a TV. Do that in Britain and it's Blackadder, Red Dwarf, Monty Python, Downton Abbey and usually something with Stephen Fry presenting it. In America it's Seinfeld and repeats of the X-Files all day.
8: Piers Morgan: He is still there which means he isn't here.

So that's your choices Nurses, go over to America and drink cold tea, get eaten by a bear if you survive the crossroads and have Piers Morgan gurning at you while you relax or stay here, use the letter u and marvel at normal non fatal ants.


Anonymous said...

we are freeing them. yawl are enslaving them...


Nog said...

Hey, I hear that Oprah brand Chai Tea at Starbucks isn't too terrible.

Chris said...

If you ever do a best of your blog posts this should be included. Brilliant stuff.

Keep Life Simple said...

Ha, what is the phrase for someone that has an irrational hatred if America?


Lucy said...

I haven't been to a Starbucks since it was revealed they have been shafting us on tax.

I will make sure they include it when it's time to do my best bits Chris.

The phrase? How about 'Paranoia' as you think everyone is talking about you or 'arrogance' as you assume everyone is talking about you or 'ignorance' as you don't really understand it but you are sure it's about you.

Keep Life Simple said...

I was looking for something clever.

Like ameriphobia or something similar.


Lucy said...

Arrogantly ignorant paranoia?