Special Guest Blogger: Eleanor of Aquitaine

The Middle Ages was one of the worst times to be alive, the food sucked, the housing sucked, the work sucked, everything really sucked and i was stuck married to the King of France, a man whose nickname was Louis the Fat. Three guesses why.
Louis was king by default, his brother and the rightful king stupidly died falling off his horse when it got spooked by a pig so they dragged Louis out of the monastery where he was training to be a monk and married him off to me.
Obviously before they had dragged him away he had already reached the bit about celibacy because the only time the bed squeaked was when Fat Louis dragged his enormous, bloated carcus into it so after 15 years of sexless marriage i divorced his arse and married Henry II, King of England, and gave birth to five of his sons.
That was a case of one extreme to the other because the problem with Henry was too much sex which would have been fine if it wasn't with women who were not me and then things got complicated so pay attention.
King Henry and his sons Henry Jr, Richard and Geoffrey had a fight after he gave John some of his castles so they ran off to France to ask Fat Louis to help them overthrow their father and seize the throne and as Henry was trying this best to introduce his penis to every vagina in England, i supported our children’s rebellious phase with my ex-husband but King Henry got wind of it and whacked me in jail for the next 16 years.
It turned out that Chubby Louis was as impotent on the battlefield as he was in the bedroom and the British kicked his lardy fat arse so after 16 years Henry released me because my boys Richard and Henry Jr were now fighting each other but as Richard would go on to become called the Lionheart, he not only killed his brother but then began to fight his little brothers Geoffrey and John but i banged their stupid heads together and told them to play nice which they did until King Henry died and Richard become King and immediately buggered off on a Crusade.
When he got killed John took over and after marrying a 12 year old while already being married and starting a war with France, i said i had enough of this crap and went off to become a nun.
Last i heard John sucked at being king so much that he would be forced to sign the Magna Carta by his noblemen agreeing not to be a dick so all in all the middle ages sucked, it was a time when men started wars, men saw women as their property, and everyone hated on each other for having a different religion, it was called the dark ages for a reason so i'm glad the human race progressed beyond those times. Hasn't it?