There were plenty of foreskins around at the time, all claiming to have come from the Holy dong but i told Leo mine was the authentic one as it had been delivered to me by an angel and he went 'okay then' and put it in a display case in the Vatican.
The bastard bit was due to my parents not being married when i was born but as my dad was king, it was not such an issue but when my dad died it was a toss up between me and my brother which of us would succeed him and i was devastated when i found out he had died from a nosebleed especially as i was nowhere near him at the time and i could probably find a witnesses to prove that but it conveniently left me in sole possession of the Frankish kingdom and it changed my life forever.
The great was because i was one of the most influential leaders in western history. As Holy Roman Emperor, i united diverse peoples across
the European continent, instituted a culture of learning and scientific advancement which would rival the Renaissance, despite not being able to read or write myself, i introduced a more legible writing system using lower case letters and spaces between words and zealously enforced Christianity throughout Europe and as i had conquered most of Europe, that bit was easy.
The cruel is mostly from all the wars and the 5,000 Saxons i relieved of their heads for refusing to convert to Christianity.
If i had one vice it was my love of roast meat and my doctors would plead with me to restrict my intake but i said if it’s all the same to them, i’d rather carry on eating meat and just let bits of my body fall off at random and when i died at the ripe old age of 72, they buried me in a casket made of gold and silver and as far as i am aware, nobody removed my foreskin to hand out as a present.
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