Friday, 30 October 2020

Special Guest Blogger: Jean Lafitte

History books make it sound like all pirates were nasty toothless hobo's who talk like morons but i was the exact opposite of that and i was so good at it that i led an entire pirate island in Louisiana, capturing ships and smuggling stolen goods into New Orleans and i was made so much money that when the Governor of Louisiana offered a $300 price for my capture, i responded by offering a $1,000 reward for the capture of the governor.
King George III himself asked me to join his British side in the war against my French comrades. The King promised me a British citizenship and landholdings if i joined his side and warned if i refused his navy would tear my little island to pieces, and sell it for scrap. I said that i needed a few days to think about it and ran straight to New Orleans and warned the Americans that the English were coming.
You see, the United States leaders may not have been a very big fan of me, what with me keep nicking their boats and all that, but i was a a huge fan of the U.S. of A and the people of New Orleans especially who loved me because my smuggling operation allowed them to buy stuff they otherwise couldn't afford which made me very rich so i ordered my entire fleet never to attack an American ship.
So how did the U.S. respond when i warned them about the English? They figured i was pulling a ruse and raided my island until the British attacked and then the authorities changed their minds and agreed to release me and my men if we agreed to assist the U.S. Navy which, at the time, consisted of a couple of wrecks and a row boat and a fraction of the ships in my personal pirate fleet.
It's a good thing, too, because me and my pirates buddies were pretty much the only reason New Orleans didn't fall to the British and the whole Independence things wouldn't have happened and the U.S. we know today wouldn't exist, they would have the letter u in their words, they would call crackers 'biscuits', say 'al-u-min-ium,' instead of 'aluminum' and call soccer 'football'.
You are very welcome America.

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