Thursday, 21 July 2016

How Not To Get Eaten On Holiday

All around the country passports are being searched for, flip flops are being packed and the sun-cream is being checked for the use by date as the UK is due to put up the 'On Holiday' sign as we all fly off to far flung places for a few weeks.
Britain's most dangerous animal is a badger so we can get a bit blase about the dangers in the wild but the rest of the World is not so lucky so we should be boning up what we do if a dangerous animal attacks while we are abroad.
Luckily the internet tells us what to do so depending on what it is attacking you, we should be ready to make sure that we haven't flown halfway across the globe to become a bears breakfast.       

Large Cats: Yell, shout and make as loud a noise as possible, don't run but stand your ground and hold out clothing like wings to make yourself look bigger. Throw rocks at it.

Bears: Yell, shout and make as loud a noise as possible but don't run. Back away slowly or cover your head with your arms and hands and play dead if the bear still approaches. If the bear attacks claw the eyes and nose with as much violence as you can muster.

Wolves and Wild Dogs: Avoid eye contact with the wolves, as eye contact is a sign of aggression and walk away slowly while yelling and shouting and slumping your lower body and head in a submissive gesture.

Snakes: Back away while watching the snake for signs of coiling as it is a prelude to a strike. Fend off the snake with a stick if it continues to moves towards you.
Alligators and Crocodiles: Should you see a crocodile on land, run away in a straight line. If attacked in water, gouge the crocodile’s eyes. If you are unable to attack their eyes, go for their nostrils or ears instead. Hit the animal on the nose if it grabs a limb. Avoid being shaken or pulled into the water.

Sharks: Move slowly towards shore and keep your head above water. Excessive splashing or activity attracts sharks. Remain still if you feel the shark brush against you. Fight back if the shark bites you by punching and scratch at the eyes and gills.

Rhinocerous:  Try not to run but slowly walk away from it without making eye contact. If it is charging at you, try to get out if its way. If there is a tree near you, climb it or get behind it.
Moose: Back away and change the direction of your travel. Run and try to climb or get behind a tree or other obstacle.     
Deer: Face the animal, raise your arms and your jacket, to make yourself appear larger. Swing the jacket around to make yourself appear formidable. Run and try and climb a tree. 

Bees: Run as quickly as possible and cover your head and face. Get into a closed building or vehicle as soon as possible.
It's a Jungle out there so stay safe and make sure you come back in one piece and sat at your desk by September, those spreadsheets won't update themselves you know!

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